It’s Ok

A lot has happened and I don’t even feel like attempting to recap, so I will just jump right into now.

I kept meaning to make an update on my ankle so here goes. I never know how to answer when someone asks “how’s the ankle?” I am sure they are expecting an enthusiastic “oh great! I am back to X, Y, and Z.” but usually all I can muster is “it’s ok. Not great, but ok.”

I’m never not aware of it. Always feeling, or not feeling, something. There’s still a lot of nerve damage. I can’t bend my big toe. It hurts if I walk or stand for a while. I can’t run. I still have a small fracture along one of the screws. I have to wear a bone stimulator everyday for half an hour.

I think what’s surprised most people, and I guess myself, is I am riding my bike again. A lot. I commute everyday and have been trying to get back into race shape.

I recently rode the furthest I have ever ridden, 105 miles. Riding feels good. It doesn’t really bother my ankle, especially low-impact riding, it stretches it out, and I really only start to feel it if I am climbing a lot.

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I spent most of the year telling myself I would take this year easy to get back into the swing of things. I wouldn’t pressure myself and racing cyclocross this year was off the table. And then I don’t know, FOMO (fear of missing out), happened and I have spent most of August trying to get myself into some sort of shape so that I can race.

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But I am having a hard time getting out of the mindset of racing, and just riding for fun. Racing myself. That’s what I should do, but instead I find myself stressing out about the whole thing. I don’t want to be just ok. I want to be at the front. I want to be racing.

I know it’s going to be hard. It’s going to be tough when girls I beat last year beat me this year. I feel like my racing this year needs an asterisk. *broke ankle and spent four months not walking. That’s why I suck, I’m slow because while you were riding all year I was sitting on the couch with a cast on.

No one but myself really cares about my results. And I’m not planning on racing to “prove” myself. I like it because it’s fun. I like the community. I’d be going to the races any way to watch Eric.

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It’s just tough knowing that last year I was at the front and this year I’ll be hanging at the back, not up to my best ability.

There’s still three weeks till the first race…915695_821375041214658_2013515238_n


 

 

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5 Responses to It’s Ok

  1. Bianca says:

    I’m so glad to hear that you’re biking again!! I think about you a lot when I’m biking and wonder how you’re doing. Healing, especially from such a major injury, takes far too long. Ugh. Hang in there! Good luck with racing season!

  2. Chrissy says:

    I was so happy to see an update from you! I’m sorry the ankle is not 100% but I am so impressed that you’re back on the bike and planning to race again – asterisk be damned. :)

  3. Lisa says:

    i miss your posts (and you!) and am so glad you put this all out there. i can’t imagine how difficult it is to still be recovering from an injury months after you thought you’d be healed. I really admire your dedication to your health and getting back into your sport… you’re truly an inspiration, Lauren! good luck to you! I can’t wait to hear the results.

  4. Christine says:

    Where to start? I’m a long time reader, and I broke my fibula January 11th in BJJ. Although my injury was not nearly as bad as yours, I can relate to what you are going through. It’s such an emotional roller coaster isn’t it?

    Having to watch the person who I was rolling with when my leg broke get a stripe, that was rough. I wanted to tell everyone “but you see, I broke my leg, so….” I cried and felt left out, worried I would get fat, worried I would lose all the fitness I had worked so hard for.

    In hindsight I can say I learned a lot about myself, and grew a lot in the process. Now that I don’t have any pain(only some mobility issues) and have actually come back and surpassed my previous pr’s, that it made me a better person, it broke me of a lot of the “ego” I was holding onto. I still struggle with comparison, wanting to be better, but I find it a bit easier to push those feeling aside and be content to walk my own path at my own pace.

    All that to say; I get it. You will be surprised with how much stronger you can come back, physically and mentally.

    • Lauren says:

      Whoa, sorry for the late reply, I kind of bailed on blogging and this got buried in some spam!
      I really appreciate the above words, totally hits home. I have definitely surprised myself, a bit physically but a ton mentally! But then last night I tried to do a jumping jack and couldn’t…so I felt like a failure again. Oh well, I am still working through a lot of it but thanks so much for the comment!

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