A lot has happened and I don’t even feel like attempting to recap, so I will just jump right into now.
I kept meaning to make an update on my ankle so here goes. I never know how to answer when someone asks “how’s the ankle?” I am sure they are expecting an enthusiastic “oh great! I am back to X, Y, and Z.” but usually all I can muster is “it’s ok. Not great, but ok.”
I’m never not aware of it. Always feeling, or not feeling, something. There’s still a lot of nerve damage. I can’t bend my big toe. It hurts if I walk or stand for a while. I can’t run. I still have a small fracture along one of the screws. I have to wear a bone stimulator everyday for half an hour.
I think what’s surprised most people, and I guess myself, is I am riding my bike again. A lot. I commute everyday and have been trying to get back into race shape.
I recently rode the furthest I have ever ridden, 105 miles. Riding feels good. It doesn’t really bother my ankle, especially low-impact riding, it stretches it out, and I really only start to feel it if I am climbing a lot.
I spent most of the year telling myself I would take this year easy to get back into the swing of things. I wouldn’t pressure myself and racing cyclocross this year was off the table. And then I don’t know, FOMO (fear of missing out), happened and I have spent most of August trying to get myself into some sort of shape so that I can race.
But I am having a hard time getting out of the mindset of racing, and just riding for fun. Racing myself. That’s what I should do, but instead I find myself stressing out about the whole thing. I don’t want to be just ok. I want to be at the front. I want to be racing.
I know it’s going to be hard. It’s going to be tough when girls I beat last year beat me this year. I feel like my racing this year needs an asterisk. *broke ankle and spent four months not walking. That’s why I suck, I’m slow because while you were riding all year I was sitting on the couch with a cast on.
No one but myself really cares about my results. And I’m not planning on racing to “prove” myself. I like it because it’s fun. I like the community. I’d be going to the races any way to watch Eric.
It’s just tough knowing that last year I was at the front and this year I’ll be hanging at the back, not up to my best ability.